A Rain of Frogs 

Fred Splendid, Boy Announcer

 

(SFX plate glass crash. Massive.)
(MAGGIE)
Eeeeek!...what was that!
(FRED)
That was the window. Well, one less to wash. Hmmm, I suppose it's a cryptic note from a mysterious informant. Hi-ho, that's life in the fast lane of international intrigue, romance and adventure.
(MAGGIE)
Oh Fred, how exciting... just like on TV. What's it say?
(MUSIC SWELLS, THEN ANNOUNCER)
Hey again, radio pals, ready to boggle your mind and turn your knees to jelly? It’s time for more neat stuff on the Radio Adventures of Fred Splendid, Boy Announcer.
 

―A radio relic, The Flamingo Road Affair #8 (stream MP3), the last surviving episode of “The Amazing Radio Adventures of Fred Splendid, Boy Announcer.”

Fred Splendid was developed in the 1980s, a backward-glancing homage to the 1960s Chickenman (Dick Orkin) radio comedy series (He’s everywhere! He’s everywhere!). The Fred Splendid series was written at WQDY in Calais, Maine on rolls of United Press printer paper threaded through an old Royal typewriter as I spent a summer babysitting Boston Red Sox baseball. The announcer, Biff Bangtree, was played by Dick Hehmeyer who did a set of wild tracks as a favor when I was about to exit New York. Rick Elliker, the chief engineer at ServiSound Inc., played Fred’s ninja pal. The series, packed with Downeast Maine references, ran the following winter.

To a man the listeners agreed—the commercials were the best part:

(FRED SPLENDID, AGITATED)
Our valiant band have traveled 1200 miles in an open boat, faced a hostile jungle and offered as a living sacrifice to a primitive idol, slid down a chute into the bowels of a volcano and you... YOU have the temerity to play guessing games with ME... Fred Splendid, Boy Announcer. Sigh! Time for a break. We'll get right back to our story in a moment, but first...

(BIFF BANGTREE WITH COMMERCIAL)
When the moment is everything... candlelight, haute cuisine... and the aperitif? Livebait Wines and Cordials!
Yes, now members of the Fred Splendid radio family can serve the perfect native table wine at every important occasion... festive... and intimate!
Thanks to the latest breakthrough of the vintner's art, Livebait Winery is now stocking the shelves of your favorite purveyor with the perfect varietal table wines—Pollack Bordeaux and the ever-popular “Petit Poisson.” Great with fish... of course.
Livebait Wines and Cordials... making jobs and wine with things they find on the beach.

(MAGGIE)
Thank you, Biff Bangtree. Well, Fred had really done it this time! He had stolen a skywriting biplane from the little airstrip across the road from the diner where I had been working since Dr.Frommage had left me, a hopeless amnesia victim. But even with my mind an empty book, I had the cognitive powers of a Rhodes scholar... compared with Fred, that is.

(FRED)
But Maggie-Me-Love... don't you see?... the answers!... I've got all the answers to this vast puzzlement in which we've found ourselves! I've been in radio long enough to know that advertising really, really works... no waxy buildup, the real look of wood, batteries not included! See, it works for me. We will write our plea across the afternoon sky in letters bigger than a basketball court.

(ANNOUNCER)
Well, that’s auf wiedersehen for this time, boys and girls. Kick start your decoder rings and watch for the big orange bus as we pull up our socks, turn right at Meddybemps and follow the pulpwood truck into adventure, intrigue and romance with Fred Splendid, Boy Announcer.

(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
 

Download The Flamingo Road Affair #8 (Hint: Right click then Save Target As)
Dick Orkin's Chickenman and Tooth Fairy
Dick Hehmeyer (Biff Bangtree) obit
Barbara Beeman photography website (Maggie Granola)
WQDY, Calais Maine
 

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